10 Healing Ways to Respond to a Victim of Sexual Assault
By: Carolyn Waterstradt, MA, LMSW
It is common to feel confused about how to respond when someone tells you they were a victim of sexual abuse or sexual assault. This lack of knowing how to respond can be hurtful to the survivor. Listed below are ten healthy responses you can try should you ever find yourself in such a situation.
1. Believe the survivor EVEN if you know the perpetrator.
The majority of people sexually assaulted or abused are assaulted by someone they know and trust. Perhaps you know and trust the perpetrator, too. If that is the case, it may be difficult to believe this person could be a sexual predator. But for the most part, people do not lie about being sexually victimized and many sexual predators present a façade of being a respectable, trustful person.
While disbelief can be a common response when survivors first reveal they were sexually victimized, survivors often say this disbelief is nearly as damaging as the assault itself. Responding in disbelief can cause the survivor to self-doubt or refrain from telling anyone else thereby hindering the ability to heal.
2. Stress that the assault was not the survivor’s fault.
Survivors often believe the assault was their fault but it is never their fault. Never! Ever! It is important to refrain from shaming or blaming the survivor by asking, “What were you wearing?” “Were you drunk?” “Why did you get in the car with a stranger?”
Instead stress, “It was not your fault.” Especially if the survivor implies responsibility for the assault.
3. Ask how you can help.
Perhaps the survivor does not need help but remember to ask periodically. As survivors work through their recovery process, support may be needed but they may not want to ask for help.
Sexual trauma damages one’s self-perception and someone who was once confident may now find it difficult to do routine, daily tasks such as: cooking, caring for children, or working.
A great way to ask if help is needed would be to say, “I’m wondering if you need anything. I was thinking I could bring dinner over on Monday night or watch the kids or maybe you need something else I haven’t even thought of.”
Even if your offer is not accepted, the survivor will appreciate the gesture and that in itself is healing.
4. Do not pry.
It is the survivor’s choice to talk about the assault. Some survivors may be vocal about their experience while others may not want to or even be able to talk about it. For many, retelling one’s story causes them to relive the event which can inflict additional psychological and emotional harm to them.
Rather than asking for details, a way to support a person would be to say, “I just called to see how you were doing today and if you needed anything.”
5. Listen.
If the survivor wants to share, be willing to listen. For some people, part of the healing process entails telling the story over and over and over again. Retelling one’s story to a supportive ear can help one process and integrate the event. Again not all people are able or ready to talk about their experience but creating a space where this could happen is important.
This can be done by stating, “If you need someone to talk to, I am here for you.”
6. Never tell a survivor to get over it.
It takes time, as in years, decades, a lifetime, to heal from sexual trauma. When survivors are told to “get over it,” the trauma wound they incurred is minimized on emotional, psychological, spiritual, and physical levels. This causes further woundedness. Just as we would never tell someone with cancer to “just get over it” the same is true for people with histories sexual trauma.
7. Do not ask the survivor to forgive the perpetrator.
Sometimes people think the survivor needs to forgive the perpetrator in order to heal. They incorrectly believe that the sooner forgiveness takes place the quicker life will return to normal. This is not true. First, life will never return to “normal” for the survivor. A new normal will need to be established and this takes time, lots and lots of time. Second, forgiveness cannot be forced. It is a process some survivors chose to take and others do not.
8. Never, ever abandon your friend/loved one or choose the perpetrator over the survivor.
When survivors of sexual assault are abandoned because people are uncomfortable around them or chose to support or believe the perpetrator this increases symptoms of traumatic stress for the survivor. It also can cause survivors to believe the assault was their fault.
9. Seek help, if warranted.
If the assault just happened or you are the first person the survivor has told, make sure the survivor is safe. Seek medical help if necessary. Offer to call the police but be aware that many survivors do not want police involvement.
In addition, survivors of sexual assault sometimes report the legal proceedings are retraumatizing to them. So, if the survivor chooses not to file a report and many do choose this, do not guilt the person “into doing the right thing.” Only a survivor knows what “the right thing” to do is.
It is important that the survivor be allowed to make decisions in treatment and recovery options because when the assault occurred, the survivor was powerless and did not have a choice. Therefore, an important component of healing from sexual assault is being empowered to make decisions for oneself. Remember it is the survivor’s choice, not yours.
10. Take care of yourself.
Befriending someone who has been sexually assaulted may cause secondary trauma or compassion fatigue in you. If you become aware of feeling overwhelmed due to your closeness to the survivor, a therapist can help you process your experience.
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